Protecting the Flame Page 18

  “Really?” Planting her fists in her hips, Mattie turned a circle, scanning the small ellipse of their plateau. “This isn’t big enough for a helicopter?”

  “A small one, maybe, but beats me. It might be that there’s more than one team, or they want to bring in something big enough to get us all off at the same time. They could already have a team or two on the ground in the general area, too.”

  “And they’ll climb up?”

  “Or take snowmobiles, but yeah. That could be.” She watched Mattie turn that over. “What?”

  “Welll,” Mattie drawled, “if they couldn’t land or anything, couldn’t a helicopter at least have dropped some food or something?”

  “I…” she began then stopped. Not even Will had thought of that. But it was an excellent question, wasn’t it? “I don’t know what they’re thinking, Mattie. But it’s enough that they saw us. That’s what counts. By this time tomorrow, we’ll probably be off this rock. So…what are you going to eat first when we do?”

  “Pizza,” Mattie declared. “With extra cheese and pepperoni and sausage. Mom always makes me have vegetarian because she says it’s healthier and good for the environment, and I know she’s right, but…” Mattie let out a dreamy sigh. “I like really want grease, you know? Ooo, and French fries with mayonnaise. And a cheeseburger with mushrooms and bacon. What about you?”

  They spent the next few minutes talking food until their stomachs growled, and Emma finally pushed to a stand. “Come on, let’s feed the fire and go eat something.”

  “That’s all I think about.” Mattie tugged at her sagging pants. “I can barely keep these up.”

  Hers were also loose, which was worrisome in more ways than one. And to think she’d been worried about how tight her clothes were getting around the middle. “How many MREs are left?”

  “Two.”

  “Two?” She was in the middle of stooping to worm through their tunnel but now turned back. They’d rationed themselves to one a day for the three of them and, along with a packet of ramen, Will had left a whole one for her to dole out between her, Earl, and Hunter. She’d given the lion’s share to Hunter. “We had five a day ago.”

  “Scott ate a whole one and then another half all by himself.” Emotions warred on Mattie’s face. “I didn’t want him to, but Will said he needed the calories.”

  Well, he probably had. Hadn’t she done the same with Hunter? Although, with Scott now in the mix, and in light of what Hunter had said, she wasn’t sure how safe their food supply was if they left Scott here unsupervised. On the other hand, Scott wasn’t stupid. If he scarfed down their food, he’d be out that much faster, and it wasn’t as if Scott could go running off on his own. There was nowhere to run, for starters, and no reason either, now that rescue was on the way. Besides, there were wolves out there and at least one mountain lion. Although she wouldn’t put it past Scott to try and sneak food while Will slept. He would, too, and then claim Will must’ve miscounted or whatever. Still, the good news was if he did that, grabbed something to eat and then snuck off somewhere into the night to stuff his face, the wolves might catch a whiff and decide Scott-tartar wasn’t a half-bad idea. (Yes. Mean.) The bad news was the wolves might decide Scott-tartar was only the first course. Hunter was the definition of a sitting duck. She made a mental note to remind Will to be on the lookout.

  Once she was inside, she brushed snow from her pants and, with a groan, lowered herself next to Mattie “You want to eat now or wait?”

  “We should wait,” Mattie replied. “At least an hour or so past dark. Do you want to play cards, or maybe I could read to you?”

  “Sure, let’s hear more quantum cat,” she said, catching a yawn in a cupped hand. The combination of snow mounded on the fuselage and the day’s sun meant the fuselage was almost cozy, though the air was close with the combined smells of too many people crammed into too small a space.

  Mattie opened her mouth, closed it again then said, “Well, I have another book. It was in my luggage. I packed it under a sweater so Mom didn’t see.”

  “Yeah?” The kid was acting like it was contraband. “What book?”

  Mattie nibbled at the chapped skin of her lower lip. “Charlotte’s Web.”

  “Really?” She’d never have guessed. “Aren’t you a little old for that?” At the sudden pinched look on Mattie’s face, she said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I love that book. It’s that I’m surprised because you seem so…”

  “Brainy?” Mattie said it as if the word tasted bad. “Advanced?”

  “Well, you have to admit that Charlotte’s Web isn’t exactly a quantum cat.”

  “I know.” Mattie studied her fingers. “Mom says it’s too baby, but I bet if I had a favorite teddy bear or old doll, she wouldn’t be so…so negative. Some people have security blankets and stuffed animals. I have a book. What’s so wrong with that?”

  “Nothing?” She’d never heard of anyone ever having a security book but so what? It was the story behind the teddy bear or blanket or whatever that mattered.

  “Exactly. My mom thinks I ought to be reading all these classics and stuff, and I do, but some of them aren’t so great. Did you know she was going to name me after Amelia in Vanity Fair? I’m so glad my real dad talked her out of it. I mean, Amelia’s such a dork.”

  Not her favorite character either. She’d always been partial to Becky Sharp. Now, there was a woman who did things. As she remembered it, her high school English teacher said Thackery fell in love with the character a little too much himself. It’s why there’s that abrupt turnaround from admiring her pluck to deciding she’s a snake in the Garden of Eden. “I didn’t read that book until high school.”

  “My mom’s always doing that, getting me to read classics, like books are a kind of medicine, something someone’s decided is good for you, and so you have to read them even if they’re stupid and don’t have anything to do with life now and God, Amelia!” Mattie rolled her eyes. “She doesn’t do anything except fall in love with the wrong guy who doesn’t love her, only then George gets killed, but she’s pregnant and then she’s this noble widow-type, hanging onto the image of this perfect guy, except George was a complete jerk! Yeah, it turns out okay in the end because Dobbins has loved her all along and waited for her to get over George.”

  “So, why is Charlotte’s Web contraband?”

  “I told you. She’s thinks it’s for babies, but that’s ridiculous. That’s like saying Watership Down isn’t a great novel because it’s about rabbits. I think Charlotte is, you know, it’s really deep in a way my mom can’t let herself see.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because it’s all about death, really. From the very first, right? Fern saves Wilbur from getting killed because he’s different and a burden? The whole book is like that because what it’s really about is what happens when you figure out your family’s not forever. Like, you know, your mom’s going to die.” She paused. “Or your dad. I always cry when I get to the part where Charlotte dies all alone. It’s so sad.”

  “Me, too.” Her sister’s kids were so worried when she couldn’t stop bawling, they’d called for their mom. On the other hand, Ben was only three months in his grave at the time, so maybe she was entitled to a little nervous breakdown now and then. “Your mom doesn’t want you to cry?”

  “She can’t stand it when I do. I think that’s what gets to my mom the most. She thinks the book is…she called it my way of always picking open the scab.”

  “About your dad?” When Mattie nodded, she asked, “What happened to your dad?”

  “He was a cop, and he got shot.”

  “Oh?” Her chest tightened with a sudden clutch of dread. “How did that happen?”

  “It happened because Scott’s a jerk. He was my dad’s partner.” Mattie’s face hardened. “Drugs.”

  “They were undercover.” Like her Ben. “Why was Scott a jerk?” She already thought she knew, though.

  “He got to like i
t too much. When you’re a cop, you’re not supposed to use or anything, but I guess they do. They get trapped into it, you know? They have to prove themselves. Dad said that once. He and Mom were in the kitchen. They thought I was asleep. Mom was asking him what was wrong, and Dad was, like, I think I can’t go so deep anymore, it’s messing me up.”

  “Did you understand what he meant?”

  Mattie gave her a duh look. “He was having to be an actor in a play, but he could never walk off the stage for very long. He was never out of costume. You know he got tattoos? On his back.” Mattie pointed to a spot at the small of her own. “A spider and then barbed wire up here.” She touched a biceps. “And other stuff, a skull and a knife. Not a ton of tattoos, but he never had them before. I didn’t like them, but he said they were like makeup. Only tattoos are forever, pretty much. Makeup, at least, you take off. I think that’s what happened with Scott. He got so it wasn’t makeup with him anymore. It was everything. I don’t know the whole story because they think I’m only a stupid little kid. Like I don’t have ears and can’t think and haven’t been reading books on my own since I was four. All Mom said was Scott got into trouble and then Dad tried to get him out only when all the shooting started, it was my dad who got killed and not Scott.” Her eyes watered. “Like Charlotte, except he died all alone on a basement floor instead of an empty barn.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Everyone’s always sorry.” Mattie’s features knotted as if she’d tasted something sour. “Mom says Scott still feels guilty. Well, he should. He got my dad killed, and he got kicked out of the cops, and he’s lucky he’s not in jail because he should be. I don’t see why feeling sorry for somebody means you have to marry him either. You know what it’s like to get up every morning, and there’s the jerk who got your dad shot walking around in his bare feet and having cereal? He’s got hair on his toes. It’s disgusting. I think Mom is sorry they got married.”

  “Why did they?”

  “On account of her getting pregnant with Joshua. I don’t understand why she did that.”

  Oh, she could. “Maybe being with Scott was a way for her to still be with your dad.”

  “That’s what Grampa says. He says I should be understanding. But why should I have to? Why can’t the grown-ups act like grown-ups? And now I’m going to have a little brother who should’ve been my brother from my real dad. They’re even using the name my real dad wanted for when they had their next kid. Only now Joshua will be half Scott, and Scott’s who caused all the trouble in the first place. It’s not fair. It’s not as if Mom couldn’t get…you know…not have it while there was still time not to.” Her face contorted with sudden ferocity. “It’s not like she would have killed a real baby. Back then, when there was time, it was only a bunch of cells.”

  “Uh…” She swallowed. “How much do you—”

  “I’m twelve, not two. I know all about it,” Mattie interrupted irritably. “Mom and Dad told me where babies come from when I was five on account of Mom used to go on marches for women’s rights and everything. But she gets pregnant and it’s like all that went away, and do you know that disgusting that is? That my mom and Scott made a baby? It’s gross. But now it’s too late to do anything, and I’m going to have a brother, and I have to move and leave all my friends because of Scott and my mom. Nobody asked me. It’s not right. Fine, mess up your own lives, but why do you get to mess up mine?”

  “Because sometimes adults are stupid. They think they know how they’ll act if something happens only, when it does, all of a sudden, it’s different. It’s not a thought experiment like Schrödinger’s cat. You know what I’m saying?” At the girl’s look, she gave a wry smile. “Yeah, yeah, you’re twelve, not two. But reality can be different than imagination and something that’s not happened yet. Your mom opened the box and, all of a sudden, it wasn’t a choice for her anymore. Maybe your mom would’ve gotten an abortion if your dad hadn’t died the way he did. In a funny way, she might even believe that Joshua is your dad’s because he wanted that.”

  Mattie picked at a thumbnail. “You sound like our therapist.”

  Yup, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. “Doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

  “That’s what Grampa says. The only good thing about moving is I get to live on a farm, and Grampa said there are lots of chores to do, and I’ll get to ride a horse and learn to shoot.”

  Oh no. It suddenly hit her. Mattie doesn’t know about Earl. Emma had waited until she knew Will was on the trail down to the cockpit before telling him about Earl precisely because she hadn’t wanted Mattie to overhear. Why Will had decided not to tell Mattie how badly injured Earl was remained a mystery, but… Damn.

  Mattie’s jaw set. “You know what? Maybe I’ll become a cop or a Mountie or something. Then I’ll get those guys who killed my dad. I’ll put everybody in jail where they can’t hurt people—”

  She interrupted. “Mattie, what did Will say about your grandfather?”

  “What?” Mattie’s eyebrows crinkled in confusion at the sudden shift. “That he was hurt and couldn’t walk and that you were going to stay with him and Hunter. I asked Scott when Will went outside for something if maybe we should go see Grampa, but he told me to be quiet. Actually, he told me to shut my mouth or he’d give me something to be upset about. Why? I was so excited about the drone I forgot to ask. Is Grampa coming back tomorrow? Was he better this morning?”

  “No, Mattie.” She swallowed. “He wasn’t.”

  “Oh.” The girl’s face stilled into the watchful expression of someone who knows there’s more bad news “How hurt was he?” As if hearing herself, she said, “Is he?”

  There was no right way to say this, and Mattie was a smart kid who deserved the truth. “Bad. Will was pretty sure his back was broken.”

  “Wait. You said was. Why?”

  “Because he…he went to sleep in the middle of the night, only he didn’t wake up.”

  Mattie went utterly still. “You mean…” She stopped as if afraid saying the words made them true. “Did he…is my…he died?”

  She remembered the moment she found Ben. She had read about military families who refused to answer the door when they saw men in uniform walking up their drive because so long as no one spoke the words, their son or daughter or father or wife was still alive. She’d felt that as soon as she walked into her bathroom, while she still believed they had years ahead, and she was thinking of lamb chops with rosemary the way Ben liked them and asparagus with lemon and a baked potato for their supper when she opened the lid of the metaphorical box that was their bathroom and Ben, who’d been alive in her thoughts only seconds before, wasn’t.

  “Yes,” she said. “Your Grampa Earl died really early this morning.”

  “Oh.” A slab of granite held more expression than Mattie’s face. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? Why didn’t Will? Is it because he thinks I’m stupid? That I’ll cry? That I don’t already know what this is like?” All at once, her composure shattered. Every muscle shivered, her body quaked, and then Mattie was screaming, “That I haven’t ever had anyone I love die and get shot and all because someone else messed up?”

  “Will didn’t know for sure until he was already on the trail. Don’t blame him.” Emma’s eyes filled. Mattie’s grief was horrible to watch and even worse to bear, but there was no one else who could do this with her. “If you want to be angry with someone, be angry with me. I could’ve called last night, but I didn’t.”

  Mattie’s face purpled. “Then why didn’t you tell me right away?” She slammed a fist on her thigh. “Why did you let me talk about pizza and cheeseburgers and sound so dumb?” Mattie hit herself again and then again and again, caught up in a tornado of fury and grief. “You grown-ups are always doing this to me, you’re always doing this, you’re always…”

  “Stop.” Her hands shot forward and snagged Mattie’s wrists. “Stop beating yourself up because you’re mad at me—"

  With something l
ike a roar, Mattie wrenched free. “Stop telling me what to do!” she howled. “Stop telling me how to feel—”

  Mattie’s fist rocketed for her face in a blur. The impact was like a bomb going off under her left eye. Pain detonated in a blinding white starburst, and she reeled, nearly falling onto her back.

  “Oh.” Mattie froze. She clapped her hands to her mouth. “Oh, Emma, Emma, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m—”

  “It’s okay.” Her cheek stung where her teeth had torn the soft flesh. She swallowed back a ball of blood. “You didn’t mean it.”

  “I always mess up.” Mattie’s voice hitched against a sob, and her eyes welled. “If I were older, if I knew how to make my mom happy, if I hadn’t told Dad to go away…it’s all my fault!”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “He called the night before he…” Tears streamed down the girl’s cheeks. “We were supposed to go to a movie. He’d been away for ten days, and he promised. Only he said he had to work, and I said, fine. Fine, go work because you’re never home anyway, and he…and he...” Mattie wailed and dove into Emma’s chest. “He went because of me! He went to work and died because I told him to!”

  He died because he was doing his job. She pressed the weeping girl close. He died trying to save a friend. Or Mattie’s father, like Earl, had died for no reason at all because he was in the wrong place at exactly the wrong time and the universe was random, nothing made sense, and a person could pray until the words blurred and became meaningless because there was no purpose and no design, and a good man followed a lead his wife fed him, and horrible things happened to really good people.

  Oh, Ben. She pressed her face into the top of Mattie’s head. I’m so sorry I got you killed.

  Chapter 4

  When she woke, she was spooned against Mattie’s back, and the light was gone.